How to Lose a Mother

Kevin's Mother

Something happened to me today, more like it happened about 15 minutes ago, and I’d like to share this with others who will lose their mother. 

The title of this piece is probably a bit upsetting to some people. You’re probably thinking how is it possible to educate a person on how to lose a mother. 

And you know what? That would be a valid question. Truth is, there isn’t a how-to lose her, but there is a choice to lose her, a choice that you’ll have to make. And if you choose what I did, you’ll make it harder than it has to be. 

If you choose what I did, you’ll make it harder than it has to be. 

But here’s the thing. You’ll be unaware the choice is even there, or that you’re even making the choice.  Why? Because you will be going through so many emotional states during this time, you’ll have this decision-making going on behind the scenes of your grief. 

I should mention the choice isn’t made in the same way as choosing a left or right turn. Think of it as sleeping in an automated vehicle of the future that comes to a crossroad and has to take a narrow bumpy road, or a clear paved road and you wake up to find out which direction the vehicle took. That’s what today was like for me.

Before I tell you about the choice I made on February 14, 2008, the day my mother past away, I’d like to tell you that you are likely going to make the same choice I did, cause it’ll be like your mind prefers it and convinces you it’s easier, but it’s far from easier. I hope by sharing this with you, you won’t need to take as long as I did to figure it out.

For me, that’s today April 15, 2020, 12 years later waking up to find out the choice I made, but as I said, I don’t recall making the choice. Ironically, 15 days from the writing of this piece is my mother’s 66th birthday. 

I know as children we all are bias about our parents, but my mother is truly a different human being, one who touched every single person that ever met her. I knew this because many people who showed up for her funeral were just people she’d seen on a routine or daily basis. They weren’t even people she hung out with.  They were barely even acquaintances. 

She became special to everyone. She was described by most people as not having a mean bone in her body. Her last special moment was having her heart donated on Valentine’s Day. What a perfect representation of who she was! Thanks for reading a little bit about my mom.  I could write a book, but I know I only have your attention for this article, and I know your waiting for me to share this choice that was made. 

Her last special moment was having her heart donated on Valentine’s Day.

I hope what I share with you helps you wake up sooner rather than the 12 years it took me. It’s a painful, beautiful moment waking up, but it’s more painful than beautiful.  You’ll have realized how many years you lived with the wrong choice, the choice you made on the day you lost your mother. 

The choice I made that day was the choice to keep my mother at a distance. There was something about having her close.   I always felt fear. I felt that I would be forever reminded of the loss and so I went on keeping her at arm’s length. 

This went on for 12 years until today, when for the first time, while sobbing in my truck in a grocery store parking lot, I allowed her to come near to me.  While sitting there crying, I felt her close presence and her voice saying the words she always loved to say “You’ll be alright”. 


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