Grief Dialogues

The Unthinkable- Handling the Last Days With a Dying Loved One – Guest Blogger, Camille Johnson

Your sick or aging loved one doesn’t have long to live. You’ve expected the end for a while, but now that it is here, you’re not sure what to do next. There are so many technical details to take care of in the upcoming days, but you’re obviously caught up in losing someone very near and dear to your heart. Even though your loved one is still here with you, you feel like he or she is already lost, and find it difficult to manage your grief.

In such an overwhelming time, you should understand that what you are feeling is completely natural. You are experiencing anticipatory grief, or “pre-grieving.” For many, this kind of grief can be paralyzing. Grief Dialogues explains that it’s important to understand anticipatory grief and reconcile with it so that you can appropriately handle the remaining time you have left with your loved one, continue providing for their needs, and honor them at the close of their life.

What is Pre-Grieving?

What’s Your Grief? notes that pre-grieving occurs once grievers become aware that their loved one’s death is imminent. Sometimes this can occur months or even years before the actual passing. Pre-grieving can occur after a doctor’s prognosis or from a sudden change in the loved one’s physical or mental well-being. Caregivers who tend to their loved ones with Alzheimer’s or dementia may experience pre-grieving as they see the mental awareness of their family member begin to slip away.

Pre-grieving can make it difficult to discuss, or even be around, the terminally ill family member. Over time, a caregiver’s pre-grief might manifest itself in the form of anxiety or depression. If you are worried that the news of your loved one’s imminent passing may be overwhelming you and interfering with your ability to care for your loved one, do not hesitate to discuss your feelings with family members, or consider seeing a counselor about your pre-grief.

Where to Go

There’s nothing wrong with feeling grief over the imminent loss of a loved one. However, as Huffington Post mentions, you should try to always keep the needs of your loved one as your first priority. There are still many questions that need answering, such as where will your loved one spend the final days? This is a decision that doesn’t need to fall squarely on your shoulders, but one that needs to be discussed openly with the family, and most importantly, your loved one.

The best advice for grievers in this situation is to follow the lead of their loved ones. It’s their right to have a say in how and where they spend their final days. For many, the final days are spent either at home or hospice. Hospice allows for a comfortable location for the near-deceased and their family to peacefully be together, while professionally trained nurses and staff are always on hand.

What to Do

There are many actions you can take to help your loved one. Perhaps you could play a song from their favorite artist, put on their favorite scented lotion, treat them to a spa day and do their nails and hair, read them their favorite book, or whatever it is they’d like. It’s important to clear out any negative energy in the home so that they have a calm, safe space to pass, so take steps to infuse as much positivity as possible into the living space. Clean up the place and declutter, and bring in a few more houseplants. Letting in as much natural light as possible is also a good idea.

What to Say

It can be extremely difficult to speak with a loved one on his or her deathbed. When looking for the right words to say, remember that it’s okay to discuss death in these moments. Ignoring the elephant in the room can add to anxieties for everyone, including the nearly deceased. Saying things like, “Thank you” are a great way to honor a life and legacy, and now would be the best time to address any conflicts and air any grievances you have. Apology and forgiveness are the best ways to get everything out in the open and minimize any feelings of guilt or regret.

In such an impossibly difficult time, it’s important to keep your family close. Everyone has their differences, but the love shared between family members is needed in vulnerable moments such as these. Remember that the best way to honor and respect your loved one is by simply being by their side.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

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